Inside every autumn: beautiful individualism
Much has been written about autumn and its touch of melancholy. That burning orange lurking through raindrops, that cold floor in the kitchen, and all ten hand fingers competing for their place on that warmest mug every evening. Oh, and that woollen scarf bought to hide oneself from small talk in the streets. Joking, or maybe not.
Ever since I remember myself, I’ve always loved autumn. I don’t quite know why though. Is it because of the rain arrogantly knocking on my window at night to bring in some chilly air? Or is it the leaves so beautifully rejoicing in their indifference to where they are? No, it’s probably because I was born in autumn. How narcissist of me, ha.
The idea got so embedded in my head that I’ve kept waiting for autumn and loving it despite the flood of reflections and troubles it brings. This year, it reminded me of my high school essays. Somehow I seemed to get away with every “weird” thing I said there. Now that I look back at that time, I feel like I had no idea what I was writing about, but I thought it sounded fancy. I was quite good at coming up with nice deep sentences. More often than not, they were very long and very complicated. That’s probably why my teachers loved them.
One of such essays was about a false dichotomy between our inner and external worlds. The point I repeatedly made was that our external world mirrors what we have inside. Therefore, to solve any problem, we should look inwards first. At first glance, it sounds like nothing else but a regular introvert argument. It’s even possible to conclude then that the inner world prevails. Guess that was my point. Weirdly enough though, I was everything but an introverted kid. Ok-ok, sorry for throwing around these buzzwords. Introversion and extroversion are just spectrums. Take a walk in the park, you’ll see that every orange leaf has a different shade. No introvert or extrovert is the same. It’s beautiful.
The statement I was putting forward in those essays seems either very simplistic or very obvious. But as autumn drags me into reflections - and I’ve tried to resist, I swear - I thought I’d build upon it.
Every day we deal with something more than just situations: we got to engage with personal stories behind them. Remember the last time someone smiled at you when you were running late for work cursing everything and everyone? Or when your manager was putting much pressure on you without any objective reasons? The list can go on and on. Life is turbulent and diverse. No, that’s such outrageous sarcasm. Life is suffering, but what a colourful and vibrant one!
A random fact: Goebbels joined Hitler because he wasn’t able to build a career in journalism. He blamed the Jews who occupied all respectable position in media. Nothing very compelling, except that he found a solution to his inner problem outside: in millions of deaths. It makes him different from that pal of yours who is constantly complaining and blaming others only in the scope of the damage created. If we are at peace inside, we make the world a more peaceful place to live for everyone. Inner peace isn’t cheap. You can’t find it in vintage shops or on the black market. Yes, even if you try hard enough.
Days are getting shorter. Huh, autumn in one word.
Everything created and everything damaged, everything loved and everything hated around us mirrors our inner world. It’s fascinating how most of the time we are ignorant of this fact. All the pain we see around is because someone got insecure, someone got envy, or someone got obsessed, and million of other ors. It’s sad and probably quite ugly if one were to look at all this from the outside. Our experiences are unique, but we’re in it together though.
No, I put it all wrong. It’s not because someone got insecure, someone got envy, or someone got obsessed, and million of other ors. It’s because they didn’t take a break to see what he/she is doing and why, and how it affects the world around them: to turn inwards. Out of all questions, I think the ones that start with “why” are the most challenging to answer. Very often, the reason goes so deep that one might even end up doing the most unattractive thing: overthink. Let’s leave this to gloomy introverts and loners, right? “There’s life happening there and now, I should go,” - slammed the door. And he/she is gone, leaving the “why” behind. The world went on as before. Heartbreaks, insecurities, demands, insults, pursuits of power, obsessions, betrayals, destroyed relationships, material things, abandoned dreams. All is well. Nothing new, really.
Sorry to say this, but neither you nor I are at the centre of the universe - even the Earth isn't. And yet, action by action, each of us either creates or destroys. We're as beautiful as we are terrifying on the inside.
I could say that the beautiful is the only true individualism, but I've overwhelmed you enough with buzzwords. The beautiful doesn't kill, hate, or blame. The beautiful is at peace and has no need to cause harm. The beautiful is the light of human potential humbly making its way outside.
That cup of tea I just finished was so good. I’ll probably get another one. Oh, and it seems it’s going to rain tomorrow. Now, this is the autumn I love. Still, haven't figured why though - should overthink it sometime.
